Friendships of the Opposite Sex While Married?
85Marriage Friendship
You could be treading on dangerous territory.
Males and females are naturally attracted to each other so one tends to gravitate to the other in all kinds of settings. Growing up you develop and maintain a variety of friendships many of which are someone from the opposite sex. This is a normal part of growing up. You walk to school together, hang out at the park, go to the games together and just have great fun together. The tricky part is when you get a little older and become mature adults developing relationships that are a little bit more challenging.
It is very possible to just have guy friends without having a sexual relationship and that is very healthy to experience. If you spend a lot of time together and share a lot of situations, emotions and feelings together one tends to evolve into an intimacy that can get really complicated. Often best friends fall in love and marry.
If a person is real honest with themselves they do once in a while have a fantasy thought about a best friend which again is perfectly normal. The problem is generated when you are happily married and you encourage a relationship with the opposite sex outside of the marriage.
Marriage is a work of art to perfect with lots of give and take. A couple involved in a marriage partnership engages in financial situations that create heated conversations from time to time. I don't know of one couple, not saying it isn't possible, that doesn't struggle with the best way to take care of the finances. The lower the income the greater the risk therefore the greater the emotions.
If you have been married for very long the debate over how you squeeze the tube of toothpaste is on. Little things like leaving the whiskers on the sink irritate the one who cleans it up. Some like the trash to be taken out daily and others like to let it pile up until it runs over the top. When only one person in the home worked it was much simpler as it was like an unwritten rule that the breadwinner worked out of the home and the stay at home spouse worked in the home. Everyone is different so the picture of how this can look is different for all couples. Together you come to an agreement if you are in a healthy relationship as to which duties belong to whom.
Days gone by it was expected that the man went to work and the woman took care of the children and the house as well as the garden. I think the guy got the better end of the deal as I have done both. In that Era the man worked very hard and long hours and many still do today. Women worked from sunup to sundown and never seemed to get it finished and got up the next day to do it all over again.
Today the scene is a lot different and varies quite a bit. Men and women both work out of the home and many times the woman makes the bigger paycheck. This brings about a bigger question between couples who gets to make the financial decisions the man or the one who makes the most money. Not going there.
It's Not About Money!
This Hub is not about money but I said all that to bring about my point that married couples deal with a lot of issues, stress and situations that create anger, hurt, frustration, and engender disagreements from time to time. That being said who do you go to when you get upset if the two best friends are angry at each other? It can be very tempting to share your story with another best friend to gain a little sympathy or glean advice from them. This can create other problems when the best friend tells you how thoughtless or ridiculous your spouse is behaving. This doesn't happen always but can be the case many times.
One thing leads to another and because this friend is the one who gives you sympathy it becomes a habit to run to them every time there is a little spat or a hurt feeling. Before you know it you come to resent the spouse for being the unthoughtful person and the comforter becomes the closer person in your life. It is easy for this person to tell you how ugly your spouse is behaving as they haven't had to live with the way you always leave the lid off of the mouthwash or the fact that you never check the balance on the checkbook when writing a check. The list could be never ending but my point is that this best friend doesn't know all the ugly things about you because you only tell them the bad stuff about your spouse not about you.
Best Friends?
I see this as a problem as it isn't honoring someone sharing their private issues. It is embarrassing to the person being talked about as well as creating a tension whenever your best friend and they are around each other. The other concern is once you and your spouse kiss and make up all is forgotten but the best friend still has that ugliness on their mind every time they come over and this causes strained relationships.
Best friends outside of the marriage can also be very close and intimate and your spouse may not share the same feelings for this person which can also create situations that can be uncomfortable. The bottom line is when you are married you have agreed to honor and respect that person for the rest of your lives.
According to the Merriam-Webster honor is one's word given as a guarantee of performance, respect and esteem shown to another, profound respect mingled with love, devotion, or awe. When you honor the other person in your marriage you do not want to do anything to dishonor them or hurt them in any way. There is no other relationship that should be more important to you than your spouse with one exception and that is God.
I do think it is fun to engage in other friendships besides your spouse and the best way to do this is to have groups to hang out with. Mostly couples but it is okay to invite a single or two if they are brave enough to hang out with you. This creates an atmosphere that is safe for all and you still get your needs met to having other friendships.
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Let's sum up Marriage Relationship.
Marriage is a romantic or passionate relationship that is associated with honor and respect. Two people agree to spend the rest of their lives together showing a mutual love and honor to each other sharing every and all parts of their lives. To stay healthy in your marriage be considerate of the others feelings and do not guarner relationships with others that could bring potential hurt to the other person. This is a lifetime relationship that develops and grows over time with the proper investment by both persons involved. If you must have close intimate relationships with several people of the opposite sex at the same time then my advice would be not to get married.
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I appreciate your candor Frog. I do understand what you are saying and I also know that many people are secure enough to handle relationships of the opposite sex while married but many are not as you say they are insecure. Insecurity comes from a variety of reasons and I guess that is foder for another Hub...:0) The key to this is the definition of intimate. I too have many male friends but none are intimate such as the one I have with my husband. I think we could be on similar pages.
Naomi - Later in life it can get worse if you don't check your baggage at the door of a new relationship. Some people can't.
Agreed frog! I have found I have mellowed with age not near as uptight as I used to be. Have a great day and enjoy your input.
Good point Naomi. I think opposite sex friendships are perfectly allright for married couples,for the most part. However I think that each partner should be aware that marriage is between two people and that serious issues should be discussed between them only.
Yes it is tricky to balance relationships and be true to your vows but with proper care it can be done. My motto is don't put yourself in risky situations that could create an issue! Thanks for your comment. I don't think discussing personal issues is wise unless they ate a professional counselor.
Agree for the most part, but I think ultimately one has to judge for themselves what action is appropriate regarding a friendship with an opposite sex friend. Distance is a good thing too. I am not sure I would maintain an as-active friendship with a married female friend of mine if we lived in the same town.
Yes it should be the couple agreeing to what they are comfortable with.
Well done Naomi I enjoyed this very much. This is a subject that my wife and I have touched on some in the past few years and I can't / won't go into my personal details but suffice it to say leave a lot of starting ground for couples as well as some good warning.
Ben
A good article. The question why some people need friends of opposite sex when they're married? If you need someone to vent out to, why can't it be your friend of the same sex? (In this case, they are also capable of imbuing your mind with some ugliness about your spouse). So there must be something in one's personality that drags him/her to seek friendship with the opposite sex. It could be social awkwardness when it comes to relations within your sex; there could be a deeply supressed sexual drive, sometimes not even realized by you.
Also what about attention? If you go to see your friend, you dedicate your time and your emotions to him/her. Some people feel deprived of due attention and feel jealous (not because of the possibility of things to go wrongm but simply because of the communication).
I leave out relationships that started when you and your friend of the opposite sex were two years old, ha. Sexual drive is mostly unlikely to be the factor here; although when you're in your teens, something may wake up in you, but that's a different story.
So psychological questions come first. And as someone above pointed out, your spouse feels endangered by the comfortable - no matter how healthy! - relationship between you and your friend.
Voted up!
moncrieff, thank you for your wonderful input and comment to my Hub. You brought up some very interesting observations for us to pondor. Once again thanks!
I was once in a relationship where I was absolutely not allowed to have any male friends. My boyfriend at the time thought it would automatically lead to cheating. I felt him to be a little controlling.
It's a tricky one! I can understand why some people are not comfortable with it. I have lots of male friends that are very easy to talk to and I wouldn't give them up for the world, but saying that, they are gay and wouldn't pose much of a threat or get in the way of my relationship.
sassychick31 it is unrealistic to think that you won't have any friends that happen to be male the catch is the "type" of friend. When the relationship walks past being friend and becomes a relationship then you could be in trouble. Sounds like your boyfriend had not gained a true trust in your relationship yet.
I have several male friends that I've met through my choirs. If their wives or girlfriends attend concerts or functions, I get to be friends with them too.
Congratulations on your nomination.
Flora thank you so much for your congrats! That is the beauty of it all we meet people through our associations that can be friends with all. In my opinion and I state that it is totally my opinion it is wrong to harbor friendships that you don't feel comfortable sharing with your spouse....once again thank you for your comment!
You offer some good tips for couples. Respect is absolutely the most important of all, IMHO. If one member of a partnership even thinks the possibility of a friendship appearing improper is possible, that person should avoid it for the sake of your loved ones heart. It should not even be a question, loved ones first--always!
Welcome to HubPages!
K9
When a partner begins to find fault with a loved one, there is a big possibility indeed that you end up falling for the friend who seems to understand you or get along with you that that of your partner. My friends advise to avoid being with that person who you feel attracted to when you are feeling vulnerable. I think that is wise. :)
Congrats on your Hubnuggets nomination! To read and vote: http://hubpages.com/_hubnuggets6/hub/ABC-HubNugget
Ripplemaker I agree with you, even though others would rather skate the ice. Thank you for your comment.
K9 I appreciate your comment as well.
Thank you both for taking the time to read my Hub.
Boundaries are important in any relationship... Some good points there! (i.e. I don't dance with other men unless they're related to me.)Bringing a third person into the middle of any relationship can be a dealbreaker. This is why threesomes are not a good idea as well. (aside from venereal diseases) Is this personal experience or things you've observed? Women especially need to be careful. Jealousy goes both ways, but (I've observed)many mens'egos are more fragile than ours.
I would say a little if both personal experiences and observations. Thanks for your comment.
Friends are there for some good advices and important talking points. But with the couple's internal issues, the two should talk about it heart-to-heart. Not with friends, only they can solve such issues.
Thanks for sharing and kodus on your nomination.
Thanks travel_man1971. I appreciate you taking the time to read my Hub and I am very excited about the nomination. Thank you for your comment as well!!
there is nothing better than being with a partner of the opposite sex
Scott I couldn't agree more.
Interesting and obviously, debatable subject. I've had opposite sex friends all my life-in and out of marriage. In a solid marriage there is room for this (my exper.), but with an insecure partner, there is not.
Congratulations on your nomination. Good luck!
Denise I can only write about what I have experienced or from what I know from talking to others. I have found from listenting to others that there are a lot of insecure partners out there. I also feel that it is okay to have a friendship of the opposite sex but I think you have to draw the line as far as how far you take the relationship! Thamks for your comment, Denise.
Hello Naomi! This is a very interesting article. From my own experience, I've had male friendships outside of marriage. We've had lunch together, but nothing really came out of it. All of them were my co-workers, and had become my good friends. One of my female co-workers told me that in case of male/female friendship, there is always an attraction factor (sometimes can be mutual). I, did, assure her that it was nothing like that on my part, but she was certain that it was a different case with my "male" friend. Anyhow, you do have a very strong and valid point that we should be careful on what we "share" with the opposite sex, even if they are good friends of ours. Because this will paint a certain persona in their minds, which is usually an unfavorable one. We can still probably have male/female friendships as long as they remain platonic, and this sometimes can be very challenging. We are all adults, and we know our own limitations. Sure hope so!:-)
Yes, Caroline it is possible and I do maintain friendships of the opposite sex. I am very careful not to step over the boundaries that my husband is comfortable with and that I do not represent myself as anything other than a Child of God. So in my encounters with these friends I conduct myself as a lady and they treat me as such. Only once in a while do I run across a man who is interested in more and you will from time to time but I make it known that I am very happy in my marriage and with that person I bring my husband up a lot to remind them of that fact. They usually back off. I hope my comments in this article did not give the impression that you can't have those friendships. I was simply trying to convey that you must always be caucious with them along with respecting how that other person feels. I thank you for reading my Hub and commenting.
It is dangerous territory and few can maintain a platonic relationship with the opposite sex without it going too far. I have many male friends but they are gay so there is no worry of anything untoward resulting.
Great subject, welcome to HubPages.
Thank you Pamela!
This is a great hub and I completely agree with you. If you feel the need to start a 'relationship' with someone of the opposite sex outside of marriage, then maybe you shouldn't get married in the first place. I hate to see how people disrespect marriage in this day and age. If you really don't plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, giving them your all, and respeciting them, then save them, and both of your families the trouble and don't get married.
Very nice subject! I personally feel women are way too catty, men keep things simple. But I've found a great solution too - double dates (hopefully with non-catty women). Great hub, thanks
Thanks for reading my Hub ournote2self and emilybee. I apreciate your comments. This is a touchy subject for some. One again welcome to HubPages and thanks for the comment!
Hello Naomi!
Just want to let you know that I completely agree with your article, and I understood the message that you were trying to convey:-). I loved your article, and looking forward to reading the others!:-) Please, keep on writing. God bless!
I'm so glad that you enjoyed my writing! I will keep writing it seems to be very addictive! Caroline once again thanks for your comment
Very concise analysis of the dangers of having opposite sex friends while married. My wife and I do not hang out with members of the opposite sex (other then family of course) alone. This seems to be a recipe for disaster, and even if it is strictly platonic/innocent, doubts can arise later. I wrote a hub in reflection to some of the things we have learned/experienced throughout our marriage. Thanks for the Great Hub!
By the way, is it alright to post a link to a relevant Hub in someone's comments?
biblicaliving thank you for your comments. I will have to search out your Hub of which you are speaking of. I am not sure about the policy of posting a link on a comment. I have only been on this site for about 7 weeks and am still learning. Ask the Hub police...lol. I am certainly okay with it if that is what you are asking or you can send me the link another way.
Just want to welcome you to HubPages, Naomi!!! I hope you will find your HubPages journey a meaningful one. Peace and blessings to you!:-)
Oh Caroline thank you for that and so far I am loving my time on HubPages!
Frankly speaking, i will not endorse any intimate relationship with the opposite sex considering the fact that in time things may go wrong or rumors may start flying up and down. If you want to continue a relationship that is intimate then do not marry. A friendship that is not intimate is allowed and if possible why not of the same sex? Also, when a partner starts confiding in a friend especially of the opposite sex, the person should understand that he or she is playing with fire. Thanks for this hub.
Great post ,Thanks
Unanichijioke, thank you for your comment!
Htodd I apreciate your comment!
hello Naomi and like everyone here on HP welcome and congratulations on the nuggets nomination!!! That is so way cool!
my hubby and i have the same 2 couples that are our friends...I got in touch with an old high school friend a while back and dude! it was like 30 yrs ago and my lovely, peaceful hubby was all of a sudden the Navy Seal again! dude! :) made me feel cherished again, he was too cute for wors :) course it totally surprised the hmmmm hmmm out of me and that was it/no more of that! I agree...dangerous waters regardless of how many years youve been together!!
voted way up twiterred shared and every button I could push!! welcome!!
Thank you sooo much for the extra exposure and the kind comment!! I look forward to following you and will be reading your Hubs real soon!
oh thank you Naomi!!
Informative and helpful.
well done.
fashion thank you!
Wonderful work Naomi. I couldn't possibly agree more. The ending sentence in which you sum up your whole Hub is brilliant. "If you must have close intimate relationships with several people of the opposite sex at the same time then my advice would be not to get married." Personally, I think this should be imprinted in every marriage document, church, chapel and court house.
klevifusha, thanks so much for your feedback and comment
Very Interesting topic Nomi... you are simply a Brilliant writer!
good article, Naomi
furniturehelp, thank you for your comment. I accept your comment although it is hard for me to see that in myself. Thank you. You made my day.
magodis, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my article!
hmmm..a good piece of information, but where i live there mostly boys and girls don't like sex, while they engage in friendship.i think it depend on culture...nice stuff:
It is not too bad to have a deep friendship while married specially whey a friend is one of the closest family friend.
Nice hub.
Kamran, I don't know where you are from but that surprises me really. I do agree with you that culture can have a big difference in how friendships are perceived. Thanks for reading and commenting!!
naturalsolutions by all means if your friend is a family friend and all are okay with it then that is a great thing. Some people take it to a whole other level though and it turns into cheating which wrecks the relationship and before you know it you have split a family and lost your best friend too. I am just saying to be very careful and respectful of all. I wish you well with your friend. Thanks for your comment!
Naomi’s Banner – hey dear friend, I from Pakistan, located in south Asia, yeah, here is different culture from USA, here is boys and girls like friendship but not like sex till marry, especially in universities and collages, boy & girls work together, study together, celebrate birthday party together, attend function together, chill, picnic, chatting and play games, overall that is the relationship or friendship here in boys and girls. They like limit in friendship, what you think, is it right???
I ‘m 23 year old a guy, I’m also doing study in a university. I have also good relationship with some girls but never want sex with someone, ever it’s natural desire who have everyone male and female, I think sex is good thing but after marry…but I know there is different culture in USA, I have interest in cultural, geographical and historical study… your hub is very informative, you have done good work…keep it up…thanks!!
I totally agree kamran! I think it is irresponsible to have sex without the responsibility of marriage! It makes it too conlicatrd when children come into the picture. Children deserve a mother and a father. Frienshios get too complicated when sex gets in the mix.
When I was younger, in school, I shared a home with a couple I had known for a short time. They had ended their relationship on a good note and he moved on. We, the ex and I, became the best of friends. Neither one of us could keep a decent relationship going with anyone. It was as if we were cheating on the first date with who ever we were dating...if that makes sence. People had a very difficult time accepting the fact that we were just friends sharing rent. But I think it's on the other person to accept what you tell them as the truth. Why would you be up front about everything to begin with? The story I related was many years ago but I see more presure on couples today. It's not hard to see where the conditioned mind could cook up a fantasy about a guy and a girl sharing a house. I'm not sure how I disagree with your article but in some way I do...and don't. Typical for this subject.
...and the story? My friend/roomie and I finished school, stayed room mates and still couldn't maintain a steady relationship with anyone. The reason, almost everytime, was "the room mate"(not best friend)and usually came up in a heated arguement.
One day we sat down with two quarts of cherrychip icecream and the next thing we knew we were together 30 years and married the last 21. Most of my friends are women and most of hers are men...but we can't stand to be without each other. We like sharing our stories about our friends but will hold off on some things. It's not because we don't trust each other, it's more in line with showing a little respect to the friend we might be talking about. Sounds awful.
Also, sex is a very important part of a marriage. To accept a person as a spouse, a partner for life, it would be irresponsible not to know everything about them, including sexual compatibility. My wife and I chose not to have children and we don't have any. It's very easy today to not have children until you're ready. So again, I disagree and agree. sheesh. I'm just glad that all those people my wife and I dated were insecure enough to keep dumping us, we're both very greatful.
iriebill, Yes I can see this has struck a nerve with you. I know it is really complicated and there is no cut and dried black and white answer. It has to be something that is mutual to the relationship and both parties to work. Thanks for your comment.
All in all there are many different opinions about whether or not a girl and guy can have friends of opposite sex while married and keep it platonic and simple. I intend to simply point out that it can cause issues and one must be very careful and also respect th other persons feelings on the matter. Both partners should respet and consider how the other one feels. IT would be wrong to accept that your guy has girlfriend prior to the marriage and then once you are married it should all be over or visa versa.
The Frog Prince Level 7 Commenter 11 months ago
Naomi - Boy did you strike a nerve with this one. I was raised by women so I identify with them and have no problem talking to them. Most of my friends are females because I find men a little bit on the boring side in most cases. They have no depth IMHO.
If it is a macho thing I'm not sure. The problem is that if you are in a marriage with a jealous type filled with insecurities there could indeed be problems. The problem I have is with one person asking me to change part of my personality that is deeply ingrained.
Something to think about. I know I have been.
The Frog